It's happened to a few of my friends and maybe it's happened to you. Meet someone on a dating site.....meet up....and he's PERFECT for you. Then....later.....you find out HE's MARRIED,. :-(
This is a bit of a lengthy read, but a MUST if you are looking for love online. These are the top red flags that he might be married. (thanks to Online Dating Magazine)
He chooses not to post a picture of himself online, or he posts a picture that may be very dark and difficult to pick him out of a crowd.
Most married men do not want their picture out there for everyone to see. They don’t want to risk that slim chance that some one they know could possibly recognize them. Instead of posting their photos online, they may choose to email you a picture to your personal email address. This is much safer for them, because it is not likely that you know someone that they know who could recognize their photo.
He will likely be the one to initiate the first contact.
Online dating sites make it very easy for both men and women to initiate first contact. It can be an even split between you starting contact or the man starting contact. But, in most cases, the married man will send the first form of communication, whether that is a chat message or a short email.
Married men often times will use a short introduction and then immediately ask you questions to better identify your personality type. They will very rarely say much about themselves and what they are like in that first communication to you. Some married men tend to have a ‘type’ that they are looking for, but most of them just seek out someone who seems interesting to them. They may also be in search of someone who may seem very trusting and naïve, and someone who could possibly be easily manipulated. These details can be very difficult to ascertain for a married man who is new to the online dating world, but there are also ‘professional married men’ who do have experience with online dating and deception, and they know just the right questions to ask. The first few communications shared are what they use to decipher if you could be an easy target.
He may be very irregular or erratic about his responses back to you.
Obviously, married men have ‘family lives’, so they may not be as available to get online and respond to you as quickly as men who are single and have lots of free time on their hands. If he seems to be responding at set times (such as 10 PM weekdays) and his responses are very irregular in the amount of days between emails, there is a possibility that he has a wife and maybe even kids at home that take up his time. It could also be that he is just a very busy person with either work or outside life events. But, this detail should closely be watched and scrutinized when meeting a new person online.
He requests your phone number, but will not give you his number.
Married men will usually request your phone number fairly quickly after the first initial contact. He may use a line like “Hey, I’d really like to hear your voice on the phone. Could I get your number?”
If a man requests your number, but does not offer his own in that same email or chat message, you may not want to share your number with him just yet. It might be a better idea to write back, requesting he share his number with you first. Or you could choose to give him a cell number instead (read this article).
Whatever you decide to do, just be very careful with your first initial phone conversation with him. If you have chosen to go ahead and give out your number without getting his, be sure that you ask for his number when he does finally call you. Chances are, that if he is married, he is either calling you from a phone other then his home phone, or he has some blocking feature that will keep you from getting his number if when you use the number call-back feature on your phone (or call waiting).
Just because a man may not offer his phone number when requesting yours, does not necessarily mean that he is married or has anything to hide. He may just be one of those men who is very old fashioned, and refuses to have the women make that first call. But, if he is a believer in calling the woman first, he will more than likely tell you that when he replies to your request. He will probably also give you his number without any qualms. If it is his home number that he gives you, then you are probably pretty safe to assume that he is likely not married.
His calls to you are very irregular, or are at set times.
You may be getting phone calls from him very frequently, or maybe the calls are more irregular. Married men have to call you on their own convenience. They may choose to call you late on weekdays or weekends, or they may call as soon as they get off work. They have to schedule their times around their married lives to make time to call you. Married men who work nights tend to call women while they are on a break. This could be very late in the evenings. Be very aware of the times that he is calling you. Ask yourself questions, such as
1) Does it always seem to be about the same time that he calls?
2) Are the calls frequent, or do they fluctuate?
3) Where is he calling you from?
Things like this are ways to identify if he could possibly be leading a double life.
He will only share his cell number with you.
Most men who have nothing to hide will share both their cell phone number and home number with you. They want to be available for your phone calls. If a man will only give you his cell number, and is not willing to share his home number with you, then there should be red flags going up. If he is married, then obviously he does not want you calling him at home because there is too much risk of his wife or children finding out about you. Watch for him to use an excuse like that he is never home, and that the cell is always on him, thus being the “best way” to catch him.
You have his cellular number, but constantly are forced to leave a message.
Again, this is a convenience thing for him. By you leaving a message, it gives him time to schedule when he can return your call, because more then likely he is with his wife or with someone that he does not want to know that he is having an affair. You may even have to wait hours before he is able to return your call, with some story about not having his cell on him, or the phone being in a place where he didn’t have reception. If it takes quite a bit of time for him to return your call, chances are that he is busy with family or friends and does not feel safe to make a quick call to you. Plus, he needs time to work out a story he can tell you as to why he did not answer, or why it took him so long to return your call.
He won’t share his last name with you.
Married men tend to be very protective of themselves and whom they allow to know their true full names. They don’t want to give out their real last name for the fear that you could look them up in the local phonebook, or even find them in an online name search. If he is unwilling to give you his last name, particularly after you’ve entered into the phone phase of your communication, another red flag should be going up. You should be questioning why it is that he will not tell you his last name.
Unfortunately, there are married men out there who use aliases, so it is all the more difficult for you to detect if he is married or not. Trust your instincts, and do a little searching of their names if they give you a last name. You can even jokingly ask to see his “driver’s license” picture. If he gets real defensive then he may have something to hide (besides an ugly driver’s license photo).
He is very secretive about where he lives.
In the first couple of dates, it is very understandable that neither party wants to share their home addresses. But once you two start to see more of each other, that question is definitely going to arise, especially if you have entered or are in the process of entering into an intimate relationship with him. He may insist that he has roommates and would much rather prefer to go to your place. He may also tell you that his home is just not ready for company, meaning that his maid has not shown up for weeks. But if he keeps putting you off about seeing where he lives, then chances are he is hiding something from you – like a wife!
He does not divulge much info about himself or his family and upbringing.
As you start to communicate more over the phone and in person, you both really want to know more about the other person and what kind of experiences your partner has been through. Married men will do just about anything to steer clear of that conversation with you. They may turn the tables on you, and make you tell them everything about yourself, and get you to talking in order to turn the attention off of them. Some men may just tell you that there is really nothing to tell, and that they have lead a boring life up until they met you. They may even try to change the subject entirely, and get you focused on something completely different. Ladies, if he is not willing to talk about himself and his family and where he grew up, then he is definitely trying to hide something from you, whether that is his past, or his present.
You never get the chance to meet his friends or family.
When people are truly interested in someone, they are extremely eager to share you with their friends and family. They want to show you off to the people who mean the most to them. With married men, this is not the case for obvious reasons. They do not want you to meet their friends or family, and they do not want them to meet you. You are a secret in his life, and you must stay that way. Instead, you will find that you are sharing your friends and family with him. When going out with other couples, they will be friends of yours and not of his. Be very aware of this aspect in your new relationship. If he is not willing to allow you to even meet his friends, let alone his family, then there is something wrong.